I Wish Microsoft Would Just Buy Activision Already


I dread typing this knowing there are those out there who would take a bullet for Phil Spencer, but let's go.

Don't get me wrong. I hate that Microsoft is buying ActivisionBlizzardKing because of [insert ol' trusty monopoly argument here]. I almost never cheer for one giant, ruthless corporation purchasing another giant, worker-violating corporation. Unless it's Disney buying FOX. And really, after what FOX did to the Phoenix in the X-men franchise, they should've had their movie-making license revoked immediately... AND they did it TWICE! How do you kill Cyclops off-screen?!?! I'm getting worked up again. My doctor warned me not to bring up Brett Ratner like this—we all know what it does to my forehead anger lines. Where is my Emotional Support James Marsden™ body pillow? Disney, you own the rights to Gambit now, so don't Wolverine Origins it.

But I digress...

If... sorry... WHEN Microsoft buys ABK, because let's be honest, when has a corporation ever been told "no, sweetie, you have to share with other corporations"—the only franchise I'll miss out on as a PlayStation-only player is Crash Team Racing. I don't play any of their other games. I prefer Rock Band over Guitar Hero. I prefer SSX over Tony Hawk. I don't even know of a third IP I'd miss out on to list here, so I'll just keep typing until I feel this paragraph is long enough and period.

Oh yeah. Call of Duty. Don't care. I'd rather play Destiny.

What I do hope happens is that after they buy this company they apparently NEED in order to compete with juggernaut Sony and their infinitely superior wallet is that every other acquisition they try to buy next is blocked. MS says ABK is NEEDED to compete. Fine. Buy it and compete. But then hands off the rest, cuz there are way more studios out there I'm more fearful of losing on my PS5/6/7/8/PSBrainChipImplant. No to EA. No to Capcom. No to SquareEnix. No to Ubisoft. No to Fromsoft. No to Playsoft. No to Blamsoft. No to Crabsoft. No to Waltersoft. NO MORE SOFTS!

I'm still mad I was playing Starfield on my PS5 until MS stuffed a wad of cash in Bethesda's g-string. And don't tell me I can play an 80+ hour RPG on my iPhone. I'm super sick of that argument. I can barely read text on my giant TV. You think I can read the stats of my titanium cod piece on my Watch? Seriously? Assuming I didn't just lie about owning an Watch? Like I need my watch texting 911 to alert them of a possible dead body because I haven't moved in 14 hours while bingeing The Good Fight before my sub runs out.

And it might be fun watching Microsoft as a giant, green Pac-man gobbling up all the dots, do you ever stop to think about how the ghosts feel? Cuz in the end, maybe all that really matters is all the... oh, that's Brett Ratner's lawyers calling me again. Can't they see I'm trying to play Horizon Forbidden West on a 6.1" iPhone screen?


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