Allergic to Wisconsin
It's official. I have self diagnosed myself. I am allergic to Wisconsin. After having done repeated tests in the previous decade, visiting various states around the country and unfortunately being forced to return, I seem to achieve the same results time and time again. I'm moving this hypothesis out of the theory stage and into the confirmed "FACT" column. The first symptom seems to always be rapid loss of smile. Apparently the barometric pressure here paralyzes the facial muscles making it virtually impossible to lift the corners of my own mouth. Or maybe the gravity here is stronger. That would explain how hard it was to get out of bed this morning. Also, I could barely lift the delicious hot wings to my mouth last night in between sobs. I'm no scientist, but I believe Wisconsin's barometric gravity adversely affects my ability to function normally. That, or the hot wings were extremely dense and they mixed up my buffalo sauce with spicy, molten lead. Ne