Allergic to Wisconsin

It's official. I have self diagnosed myself. I am allergic to Wisconsin.

After having done repeated tests in the previous decade, visiting various states around the country and unfortunately being forced to return, I seem to achieve the same results time and time again. I'm moving this hypothesis out of the theory stage and into the confirmed "FACT" column.


The first symptom seems to always be rapid loss of smile. Apparently the barometric pressure here paralyzes the facial muscles making it virtually impossible to lift the corners of my own mouth. Or maybe the gravity here is stronger. That would explain how hard it was to get out of bed this morning. Also, I could barely lift the delicious hot wings to my mouth last night in between sobs. I'm no scientist, but I believe Wisconsin's barometric gravity adversely affects my ability to function normally. That, or the hot wings were extremely dense and they mixed up my buffalo sauce with spicy, molten lead.


Next, my face heats up, eyes burn, sinuses fill to unpleasant levels, fatigue sets in followed by a sudden, uncontrollable urge to hole myself up in the house and binge watch Netflix. It's uncanny how this happens every time I go out-of-state on vacation and return. So it has to be an allergic reaction. All symptoms, especially the crippling depression and unnaturally-yellow snake dreams, seem to worsen the closer in proximity I am to work, which seems to be the epicenter of the allergens*.


Now to find a doctor to write a prescription for relocation to California... and an insurance company to cover moving expenses, rent and the new Playstation 4. And a medical emergency bracelet that states I am required, by a physician, to play a minimum of 30 minutes worth of video games an evening to resist sinusitis.


Seriously though... my allergies are MUCH worse upon returning. Also, my Netflix addiction. Typing this was exhausting. I need to go eat a few sleeves of Oreos to soothe the pain.


*Note: May also be due to the thick layer of dust on my desk, computer and out-box.

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