Let's All Go to the Vet!

 ...Or How I Spent My Paycheck

The dreaded day we had marked on the calendar had arrived. The day we said, "let's just take all 4 animals to the vet on the same day so we can get it over with." Wait... hold that thought. I need to make some more coffee in order to finish this one. Why am I typing that? Ah, whatever. Nobody reads this anyway. I secretly still enjoy Jon Secada. See, it's like whispering a secret into a plastic bag and launching it into the sun.

Chapter 1: Poop Bags for Everyone!

The vet had requested we bring in poop samples for each dog and one for the cats, so at 5 in the morning, I'm outside in my pajamas and hiking boots, trying to decipher between a fresh turd and one that has been sitting there for hours. And had I known the vet was going to charge us $76 per poop baggie, I would have "forgotten" to do this collection chore entirely. And it's also how I know that time travel isn't possible, because a future me didn't jump out from the shadows to slap the baggie from my hand and spoil the ending to Severance just to spite me. If you're a math wiz, we're already at $228 and we haven't even left the house yet.

Chapter 2: The Car Ride

Putting 2 dogs and 2 cats into a Toyota Camry all at once is just exactly as fun as it sounds. One cat, Morpheus, meowed the entire trip while rolling around in his carrier like he was having the time of his life. Yeah, I can't explain it either. The other howled like a wolf or like that scene in Harry and the Hendersons where all the other cars mistook them for a police car and pulled over to the side. Yeah, that's a reference to Harry and the Hendersons. Can you believe I'm married?

The vet is only 15 minutes away, but let me tell you it felt like 17 minutes. Maybe even 18.

Chapter 3: The Weigh-In

Juggernaut, a ball of excitement and black fur, was first onto the scale and living up to his name was vastly overweight. As the vet tried to feel for his ribs I could only think about how I would steal Jim Gaffigan's joke about McRibs later. And I could feel the stare of judgement coming from the vet tech, but was too busy daydreaming about being literally anywhere else. Rocket, only slightly overweight, couldn't stop barking as if to ask, "how much do my vocal cords weigh and can I leave them here?"

The kitties had lost weight and were perfect angels. Morph even explored the room, purring—like no other cat in recorded history.

Chapters 4-7: Am I at the Vet or Getting My Oil Changed?

I swear I could hear a cash register in the distance ding after every sentence the vet spoke. This dog needs 4 shots. This dog needs 17 shots, 28 if we do the ones they need in August now to save you a trip. This cat is low on purring fluid, needs a whisker alignment and is due for a Rabies shot just in case a bat flies into your house. I wish I were joking, but that last one was real. 

Baby Squee, aka Squee, aka Squeaky, aka Mr. Squee, aka Squeezy, aka Professor Squeekertons, aka Boo Boo, has bad teeth. Like, all of them. My wife suggested sending us home with $400 in meds the cat won't allow us to administer until we can get his teeth pulled, so at least we now have a kitchen counter filled with syringes, mortars and pestles next to boxes of unused pills. PLUS, I now have a collection of torn t-shirts. And stitches covering half my torso, neck, face and scalp.

Chapter I Lost Count: Check-Out Time

I have no idea why this took so long. The vet tech taking care of us explained she had major allergies, but I have major allergies and they don't transform me into the DMV Sloth from Zootopia. I guess she had to run out to the refrigeration unit to access the quantum computer in order to tabulate our expenses. I can only imagine the CEO of my credit card company receiving a text alert notifying him that I just bought him another Moldovan child bride to add to his collection. Also, multiple trips to the back to retrieve pet meds because her arms couldn't carry them all in one trip. Also... not joking.

To be fair, the dogs did need new flea, tick and heartworm meds, since the last solution we applied to them was less repellent and more tick pheromones and dog blood seasoning to make it taste better. 

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After arriving home, I spent the next 3 hours curled into a ball at the base of the shower as cold water pelted away my shame. But then I remembered we don't have children and my smile returned.