Showing posts from 2014

The Summer of Continuous Thunderstorms - Day 48

Author's Note: I wrote this last year and never published it. I guess I didn't find it funny enough for the general public. But with everything I've experienced this "summer" so far, I think it needs to be shared finally (although I did add a few extra words). I was privileged enough to experience a brief glimpse of something we once called "the sun" today. For 7 whole minutes, its warm touch graced my pale cheek through the window near my office desk. Squinting through the bright rays, I could make out smiles on the faces driving past. Could it be? True happiness? An emotion once thought extinct, yet, somehow present on this humid day in Wisconsin. But, the all-too-familiar clouds quickly smothered this giant mass of incandescent gas and with it our collective grinning visages. Hopes of dog walks, bike rides, kite flying, backyard picnics, camp fires, driving with the windows down, skipping merrily towards KFC... um... anything that requires one

I Can Only Stands So Much and I Can't Stands No More

We. Are. Moving. Seriously. Proof. Oh great. Now I want a Chicken Slider. Fantastic. Thanks, White Castle. After the worst winter in [my] recorded history, thanks to our surly friend Mr. Polar Vortex, word on the street is that his abusive step-father El Niño is on the way. But, until that lovely day we get thunderstorm after thunderstorm after thunderstorm to keep us entertained. For instance, this morning instead of getting ready for work, we were huddled in the basement with air raid sirens accompanying the soothing sounds of torrential downpour, gale force winds and shingles being torn mercilessly from the roof. We had 2/3rds of our animals sheltered (and thoroughly confused) with us, so we at least had that in the "Plus" column. The other was found later hiding under a bed. I nearly joined him. Here's a note for any interested: Sump pumps do not actually pump water when you have no electricity. So all the water shooting into the basement from the ceiling an

Art Funtime with Shaner –or– SHArt Time

Episode 3: Hand Sculptures Today, I’ll show you kids at home how to make fun, exciting art with your own hand using common, every day items around the house. Here are the materials you’ll need: A hand A glass thermometer A CBS sitcom laugh track (optional) Step 1: At the request of an ailing wife, locate your household thermometer. You may have to rifle through several drawers, so plan ahead. Step 2: Once found, attempt to pry the thermometer from its case. This works best if the last person to use it put it back incorrectly or jammed it with adhesive, like Gorilla Glue or Nutella. Step 3: Bleed profusely into a sink full of dirty dishes. 1 or 2 uncharacteristic cuss words are acceptable in this situation as you pull shards of glass from your fingers frantically. 3 cusses is too many, so use your allotment wisely. Step 4: Calmly and rationally request that your wife join you in the kitchen, so she may aide you in wrapping your gaping wounds with old, but hopeful