Art Funtime with Shaner –or– SHArt Time

Episode 3: Hand Sculptures

Today, I’ll show you kids at home how to make fun, exciting art with your own hand using common, every day items around the house.

Here are the materials you’ll need:

• A hand
• A glass thermometer
• A CBS sitcom laugh track (optional)

Step 1:
At the request of an ailing wife, locate your household thermometer. You may have to rifle through several drawers, so plan ahead.

Step 2:
Once found, attempt to pry the thermometer from its case. This works best if the last person to use it put it back incorrectly or jammed it with adhesive, like Gorilla Glue or Nutella.

Step 3:
Bleed profusely into a sink full of dirty dishes. 1 or 2 uncharacteristic cuss words are acceptable in this situation as you pull shards of glass from your fingers frantically. 3 cusses is too many, so use your allotment wisely.

Step 4:
Calmly and rationally request that your wife join you in the kitchen, so she may aide you in wrapping your gaping wounds with old, but hopefully clean, dish rags.

Step 5:
While holding your hand above your heart encasement area, attempt to remain conscious long enough to scour the floor for glass shards. This step is especially important if both you and your spouse are barefoot. The dog may wonder, at this point, why his daddy is crying like an insidious newborn. This step should also be done before Step 4.

Step 6:
After your wife retrieves the decades-old first aid kit from the car, proceed to wrap afflicted appendages as tightly as possible. Think tourniquet, but even more snug. If your fingers are tingling, it’s not quite tight enough.

Step 7:
????

Step 8:
Profit.

Step 9:
Proudly display your new hand art sculpture at work, on Instagram and in your very own nightmares.

I hope this entertaining guide will fill your household with hours of fun and enjoyment like it did ours. If you repost these instructions, please give credit to SHArting with the Shanes and the Foundation for Husbands Who Refuse to Go to Urgent Care.