I Can Only Stands So Much and I Can't Stands No More

We. Are. Moving.

Oh great. Now I want a Chicken Slider.
Fantastic. Thanks, White Castle.

After the worst winter in [my] recorded history, thanks to our surly friend Mr. Polar Vortex, word on the street is that his abusive step-father El Niño is on the way. But, until that lovely day we get thunderstorm after thunderstorm after thunderstorm to keep us entertained. For instance, this morning instead of getting ready for work, we were huddled in the basement with air raid sirens accompanying the soothing sounds of torrential downpour, gale force winds and shingles being torn mercilessly from the roof. We had 2/3rds of our animals sheltered (and thoroughly confused) with us, so we at least had that in the "Plus" column. The other was found later hiding under a bed. I nearly joined him.

Here's a note for any interested: Sump pumps do not actually pump water when you have no electricity. So all the water shooting into the basement from the ceiling and window cracks just gets to rest nicely in pools on the linoleum and around my super absorbent comic book boxes. But at least a good portion of the water poured directly into a litter box... a very soiled litter box. I get to deal with THAT fun project later. Also, dress shoes are NOT galoshes and should never be treated as such. Note to self, "invent dress waders for the businessman on the go... in high water."

Looking outside in between waves of heavy downpour, I could see a tree snapped off at the trunk in a neighbor's yard. No indication if it hit their house or not, but it was definitely downed in that general direction. Luckily, all of our trees must have uprooted and migrated south before we moved in.

Here's another handy note: Garage doors also don't operate without electricity. I know I could disengage it, but I have my beater car parked outside just inches from a downed tree branch. I'm actually shocked that it didn't fall directly on my car. It would have completed the morning. But, the weather forecast shows thunderstorms consecutively for the next 6 days, so there's always tomorrow! Also, we could go home to a fridge full of spoiled food. Now that would be a treat!

So in conclusion... I HATE WISCONSIN! If anyone has any work for me in sunny California, I will take it. You name it: Graphic/web designer, pool boy, Apple Genius™, beer taster, human footstool or even pool boy. It doesn't matter. I just need to cover rent and some utilities for a modest abode cuz we are done. We've had it. We can't take it anymore.

We'll take our chances elsewhere. In my book—Earthquakes and fires < Blizzards, tornadoes, flooding, mosquitoes, serial killers, rednecks, drunk drivers, humidity, clarinet players, lyme's disease-riddled wood ticks and owls.

Owls, you say? Nobody ever talks about the owl threat in Wisconsin. I think the DNR is covering something up. And some day, when a parliament (aka horde) of insidious owls descends on the capitol, carrying off children and senators, I'll say, "I told you so."

If you live anywhere within or near this wretched land, I suggest fleeing as fast as you can. Go. Save yourself. Don't be the hero. Just run and don't look back.


  1. the closest white castle is in kenosha... which is basically a just suburb of illinois. guess you have one more reason to leave this beautiful state.

  2. Guess your dream job is pool boy then hahaha
    I found the perfect place for Jon and I to live to...problem is I'm to lazy to get him a job (his requirement for moving) soooooooo I guess we're staying here.

  3. Brilliantly morbid, as always. But true. So very true.


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