My Break-Up Letter to Certain Gaming Websites - It's Not Me, It's You
As a gaming nerd, I tend to find a few places on the web to plant myself for news, reviews and forum discussions. Recently, I've decided to pack my bags, take my lamp, my chair and my paddle game and move on from a few of them.
Here's a few of the notable ones.
GameFAQs:
Imagine being dropped off at a playground that is populated only by schoolyard bullies. And you forgot to wear pants that day. That's GameFAQs. And, in between beatings, you may ask where all the parents are... but then it slowly dawns on you—half of these people. ARE. The parents.
If you need a quick tip on how to unlock a certain trophy, fine. But do it quickly and do NOT, under any circumstances, visit the forums. In that Mad Maxian-dystopia, you will question how the laws of physics can sustain a universe where so many bullies can so densely populate one area without existence collapsing on itself.
But, but, but... YouTube. No. If you thought nothing could be worse than YouTube comments, try visiting the PS4 board page. I'm relatively positive that anyone who posts there has never owned a Playstation of any kind. 40% of the posts sound like Microsoft employees trying to type like entitled children, another 40% are the actual entitled children of Microsoft employees and the other 20% clearly watched their families slowly eviscerated by a pack of wolves wearing Sony jerseys. Okay, maybe 1% own a Sony product.
Ditto for the Xbox One forum, but in Bizarro world, and with more vitriol.
This place wasn't always bad. But one day, right around the time of the Xbox One reveal, I looked up and all I saw were homeless, puppy-kickers warming their hands over burning barrels, overturned computer desks and shattered plasma TVs as far as the eye can see.
And the only accepted currency is tears.
IGN:
The TMZ of gaming. Sorry, TMZ. That was uncalled for. Because at least the audience of TMZ know why they are there: to read trash. IGN tricks you into thinking they are a legitimate source of gaming knowledge and information.
Would you like to know what the bottom of your brain looks like? Just read ANY of their reviews and you'll roll your eyes that far back into your head. And if the review itself doesn't cause major optic nerve damage, the score at the bottom surely will. You will spend hours tirelessly trying to figure out how that low number belongs to the glowing, almost holy words directly above it. Or how a 9.8 follows what amounts to a string of obscenities, used catheters and sulfur emissions.
I don't know about you, but I don't go to Vegan food critique sites to read reviews on In-N-Out Burger, where I'm pretty sure only the bag carrying the food would be edible. And ONLY if it's not completely saturated in animal grease. (Actually, that would be a pretty entertaining review.) So why would I want to read reviews from people who clearly hate games? Or at least every genre of game I like? Or smiling? Or In-N-Out Burger? Great. Now I'm craving In-N-Out Burger. And I live in Wisconsin. Thanks, life.
Moving on from IGN's reviews, their site also features plenty of gossip. And by "gossip" I mean "spoilers." And by "spoilers" I mean "the titles of their articles." Want to see the latest Mario Maker trailer, but also want to know that Shonda Rhymes is planning on killing off Derek Shepherd weeks in advance? Great news! IGN has you covered and you won't even have to click on the article to read it, since it's the headline. Want to know everything about Star Wars Episode 8 before Episode 7 even hits the theater (even if it's all baseless rumors and speculation), while innocently searching for Rocket League DLC news? Perfect! IGN is the place where any rumor can become an entire "news" article and ruin lives.
I heard they only hire writers who spit on widows and orphans.
And laugh during funerals.
And own Randy Newman concert DVDs.
Seasoned Gamers:
Imagine being dropped off at a playground, but instead of bullies, everyone there is a grumpy old man yelling to get off their lawn. And they all forgot to wear pants that day. And their shirts are too small.
Once a place to escape the negativity and whining and trolls and flaming hatred spewed by children in the gaming community, it is now the go-to place for negativity and whining and trolls and flaming hatred spewed by adults in the gaming community.
If you want to be told why the thing you are excited for sucks. Well, that's the internet. But if you want to be told not to complain about a gaming console, while everyone complains about your gaming console. AND why the thing you are excited for sucks. There's SG.
SG—Everything is Trash. And we hate life.
Now get off my lawn!
So... where do I go to escape the negativity?
GameTrailers.com has a team of gamers that enjoy games. Shocking. And they're all likable.
NeoGAF.com might have it's share of negativity, but it also has parents to put the naughty children in the corner when they misbehave.
Also, a new site called TidBits (currently called talk.polygonalweave.com) is too new to have rampant in-fighting, so it's currently a safe haven.
I hope this helps all 2 of you who have read this far.
Here's a few of the notable ones.
Imagine being dropped off at a playground that is populated only by schoolyard bullies. And you forgot to wear pants that day. That's GameFAQs. And, in between beatings, you may ask where all the parents are... but then it slowly dawns on you—half of these people. ARE. The parents.
If you need a quick tip on how to unlock a certain trophy, fine. But do it quickly and do NOT, under any circumstances, visit the forums. In that Mad Maxian-dystopia, you will question how the laws of physics can sustain a universe where so many bullies can so densely populate one area without existence collapsing on itself.
But, but, but... YouTube. No. If you thought nothing could be worse than YouTube comments, try visiting the PS4 board page. I'm relatively positive that anyone who posts there has never owned a Playstation of any kind. 40% of the posts sound like Microsoft employees trying to type like entitled children, another 40% are the actual entitled children of Microsoft employees and the other 20% clearly watched their families slowly eviscerated by a pack of wolves wearing Sony jerseys. Okay, maybe 1% own a Sony product.
Ditto for the Xbox One forum, but in Bizarro world, and with more vitriol.
This place wasn't always bad. But one day, right around the time of the Xbox One reveal, I looked up and all I saw were homeless, puppy-kickers warming their hands over burning barrels, overturned computer desks and shattered plasma TVs as far as the eye can see.
And the only accepted currency is tears.
The TMZ of gaming. Sorry, TMZ. That was uncalled for. Because at least the audience of TMZ know why they are there: to read trash. IGN tricks you into thinking they are a legitimate source of gaming knowledge and information.
Would you like to know what the bottom of your brain looks like? Just read ANY of their reviews and you'll roll your eyes that far back into your head. And if the review itself doesn't cause major optic nerve damage, the score at the bottom surely will. You will spend hours tirelessly trying to figure out how that low number belongs to the glowing, almost holy words directly above it. Or how a 9.8 follows what amounts to a string of obscenities, used catheters and sulfur emissions.
I don't know about you, but I don't go to Vegan food critique sites to read reviews on In-N-Out Burger, where I'm pretty sure only the bag carrying the food would be edible. And ONLY if it's not completely saturated in animal grease. (Actually, that would be a pretty entertaining review.) So why would I want to read reviews from people who clearly hate games? Or at least every genre of game I like? Or smiling? Or In-N-Out Burger? Great. Now I'm craving In-N-Out Burger. And I live in Wisconsin. Thanks, life.
Moving on from IGN's reviews, their site also features plenty of gossip. And by "gossip" I mean "spoilers." And by "spoilers" I mean "the titles of their articles." Want to see the latest Mario Maker trailer, but also want to know that Shonda Rhymes is planning on killing off Derek Shepherd weeks in advance? Great news! IGN has you covered and you won't even have to click on the article to read it, since it's the headline. Want to know everything about Star Wars Episode 8 before Episode 7 even hits the theater (even if it's all baseless rumors and speculation), while innocently searching for Rocket League DLC news? Perfect! IGN is the place where any rumor can become an entire "news" article and ruin lives.
I heard they only hire writers who spit on widows and orphans.
And laugh during funerals.
And own Randy Newman concert DVDs.
Imagine being dropped off at a playground, but instead of bullies, everyone there is a grumpy old man yelling to get off their lawn. And they all forgot to wear pants that day. And their shirts are too small.
Once a place to escape the negativity and whining and trolls and flaming hatred spewed by children in the gaming community, it is now the go-to place for negativity and whining and trolls and flaming hatred spewed by adults in the gaming community.
If you want to be told why the thing you are excited for sucks. Well, that's the internet. But if you want to be told not to complain about a gaming console, while everyone complains about your gaming console. AND why the thing you are excited for sucks. There's SG.
SG—Everything is Trash. And we hate life.
Now get off my lawn!
So... where do I go to escape the negativity?
GameTrailers.com has a team of gamers that enjoy games. Shocking. And they're all likable.
NeoGAF.com might have it's share of negativity, but it also has parents to put the naughty children in the corner when they misbehave.
Also, a new site called TidBits (currently called talk.polygonalweave.com) is too new to have rampant in-fighting, so it's currently a safe haven.
I hope this helps all 2 of you who have read this far.
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