I've joined the Big C club.

I've really debated posting anything here, because it's not really my style, but I'm a little bit stressed today. And the only way I know how to deal with stress, or really any emotion, is either beer or humor. So here's hopefully some of the latter...

Last May (2014), I had sinus surgery to remove some polyps. Okay, a LOT of polyps. I have had so many sinus infections over the last few years, my sense of smell was pretty much non-existent (both a blessing and a curse—I'll leave it up to you to picture each scenario) and one nostril was completely obstructed (for years), but I was dealing with it all. Flashback to January of 2014 when I got a sinus infection so bad and my polyps were so numerous that I couldn't get rid of it with antibiotics. Although it did ruin my stomach for a month, so I had that going for me. Basically, the fluid had nowhere to drain. So I scheduled my surgery and "lived" with a sinus infection for nearly 5 months until my appointment in May. It was so severe that by the time I went under the knife, the bones in my face and skull were inflamed. I had no idea that was even possible. And my surgeon described it as "really oozy!" Oh, I forgot to warn you not to eat while reading this. Or operate heavy machinery. Or medium machinery. Sorry.

Believe it or not, no drugs had been 
administered yet at the time of this photo. 
Well, that wouldn't be the end of it. Some scarring took place and I still couldn't breathe out of my right nostril. A few more appointments with my doctor and a CT scan revealed that I would likely need a revision surgery to fix the scarring blocking my airway and, while he was in there, perform a full septoplasty (to straighten my nose) and also remove the brand new polyp that had formed way in the back of my head.

Joy. More recovery.

On the bright side, when this happens I do get to sit home playing video games, bingeing Netflix and popping sweet pain pills. So it's not all bad aside from having a Heavy Flow Maxi Pad taped to my face for 10 days. Plus, I have the vacation time—might as well use it to visit my scenic, constant 70° couch. So I scheduled surgery #2 for January 2015. While out on leave, I managed to catch up on my gaming backlog (those Candy Crush invites aren't going to answer themselves) and before I knew it I'd sped through several seasons of Hart of Dixie. But I digress...

Then I got THE phone call a week later.

It turns out, it wasn't a polyp that was taken out this time. It was a malignant tumor—the Big C. Although the doctors were careful not to use the word, probably to avoid seeing me cry like grown man watching the final 7 minutes of the Packers' last post-season game.

A tumor so rare, that only 947 cases have been documented since 1924. My surgeon said that it was the type of thing you read about in medical school, but never expect to come across in your career. So, on average for the last 90 years, only 10 of these things are diagnosed every year. I guess I should play the lottery. And if you are taking notes, write this down, "Esthesioneuroblastoma/Olfactory Neuroblastoma." But don't Google that. And especially don't Bing it. Alta Vista is fine though.

Silver Lining: Since it was caught so early, surgery should take care of it without needing anything beyond that. (insert massive sigh of relief here) But I needed to change my pajamas after receiving the initial news. And not necessarily because of the news.

So on Mar... You Googled it didn't you? Feel free to continue reading after you are done projectile vomiting.


So on Monday, March 30th, I go in for surgery #3 to have the inside of my head scraped clean. I'm imagining this will sound like nails on a chalkboard, but with mucus spraying everywhere (I told you to put the burrito down. You have nobody to blame but yourself at this point). They need clean margins, which means removing anything and everything around where the tumor was, including the top of my septum and possibly some skull. And possibly lose my sense of smell on that side permanently. So this one's a bit scarier. I need to have two surgeons on hand: an Otolaryngologist to perform the main surgery and a Neurosurgeon present since there is a possibility that my brain might leak. How fun. I have no jokes for this part since I can't help but cringe whenever I think about that. And this time, I'll be hospitalized for a few days (I'll take a Percocet Colada with a side of catheter) and off for a minimum of two weeks.

Anyone have any video game recommendations? Netflix shows/movies? Rachel Bilson-driven dramedies?

I'm hoping for some more of those sweet, sweet purple socks.

And hospital pudding.

Do you think my insurance will cover a 55-gallon drum of creamy butterscotch?


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